Monday, February 11, 2008
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
The Big "Duh"
Yesterday during the kid's karate class, I got to talk with a mom who is a scientist (biologist) at Cal. She has a little girl a bit younger than Aee, so I asked her my current Burning Question: "Where do you find decent literature for her that isn't fluffy, but is still modern?" which led to the inevitable, "What did your parents do to encourage your love for science?"
My little Aee has a strong passion for anything science-oriented and I am seeing that slowly die as she reads various fluff books and generally absorbs these invisible little undercurrents that still exist.
Bio Lady: "Well, my mom worked as a biologist and I saw her passion for her work."
Me: (after a long pause) "But... usually when people come home from work, they are tired, having given their best to the job. Wasn't your mom tired when she came home? I worry that my kids will only see the fatigued side of me and grow up wanting to avoid my mistakes."
Bio Lady: "Sure, yeah, I'm struggling with that now too, but it was different back then. My mom got home at 4 or 5 every day without fail and she had a full-time maid so dinner was on the table when she walked in the door."
Me: (jaw dropped)
Bio Lady: "I got to hear about the cool stuff she was doing."
Me: (picking up jaw) "Full-time maid?"
Bio Lady: "Uh, yeah, full-time."
Me: "Full-time?"
Bio Lady: "Full-time."
In my mind I see the To Do list:
* Laundry
* Dishes
* Ironing
* Vacuuming
* Grocery shopping
* Fixing the faucet
---
Literally about 300 To Do items all clearly and prominently scrolling through my mind's eye. Holy cannolli. It IS a full-time job!
If you sat me down with pencil and paper, I could list them all out in a heated timed-test fashion, grouped in whichever way your request.
Later that night, Vee and I went on a run. I talked to him about it and his reply:
Vee: "Well, yeah, Mom. Think about it. Caring for a family and a home is about 8 hours a day. Think of all the shopping, cleaning, cooking, and all that needs to be done. Work is 8 hours if you're lucky. We like to see you for about 4 or 5 hours after school and somewhere in there you need some time to yourself. And then, maybe some sleep."
Me: (running in somber silence)
Vee: "Do the math."
We talked about how the work is scalable, about how housework can take the time of several full-time people if you make it and it can also take nearly no work (but there are consequences). I rehashed all my old beliefs that having a smaller home, streamlined work processes, and having the whole family help were valuable work arounds.
But, the bottomline is that I'm trying to squeeze a Too Big job into too small a space.
Duh.
My little Aee has a strong passion for anything science-oriented and I am seeing that slowly die as she reads various fluff books and generally absorbs these invisible little undercurrents that still exist.
Bio Lady: "Well, my mom worked as a biologist and I saw her passion for her work."
Me: (after a long pause) "But... usually when people come home from work, they are tired, having given their best to the job. Wasn't your mom tired when she came home? I worry that my kids will only see the fatigued side of me and grow up wanting to avoid my mistakes."
Bio Lady: "Sure, yeah, I'm struggling with that now too, but it was different back then. My mom got home at 4 or 5 every day without fail and she had a full-time maid so dinner was on the table when she walked in the door."
Me: (jaw dropped)
Bio Lady: "I got to hear about the cool stuff she was doing."
Me: (picking up jaw) "Full-time maid?"
Bio Lady: "Uh, yeah, full-time."
Me: "Full-time?"
Bio Lady: "Full-time."
In my mind I see the To Do list:
* Laundry
* Dishes
* Ironing
* Vacuuming
* Grocery shopping
* Fixing the faucet
---
Literally about 300 To Do items all clearly and prominently scrolling through my mind's eye. Holy cannolli. It IS a full-time job!
If you sat me down with pencil and paper, I could list them all out in a heated timed-test fashion, grouped in whichever way your request.
- Tasks by frequency? List: Daily, Weekly, Monthly, Yearly
- Tasks by type? Cleaning, Maintenance, Food supply, Scheduling, Exterior (yard + vehicle), etc.
- Tasks by duration? Quick 30 second tasks, Five minuters, Half-hour tasks, Half-day tasks, Full weekend tasks.
Later that night, Vee and I went on a run. I talked to him about it and his reply:
Vee: "Well, yeah, Mom. Think about it. Caring for a family and a home is about 8 hours a day. Think of all the shopping, cleaning, cooking, and all that needs to be done. Work is 8 hours if you're lucky. We like to see you for about 4 or 5 hours after school and somewhere in there you need some time to yourself. And then, maybe some sleep."
Me: (running in somber silence)
Vee: "Do the math."
We talked about how the work is scalable, about how housework can take the time of several full-time people if you make it and it can also take nearly no work (but there are consequences). I rehashed all my old beliefs that having a smaller home, streamlined work processes, and having the whole family help were valuable work arounds.
But, the bottomline is that I'm trying to squeeze a Too Big job into too small a space.
Duh.
The Maid
When Vee and Kee were little, I loved maintaining the home and I / we were fairly good at it. We did our daily chores and Saturday chores and generally, the house was consistently clean & comfy.
But for the last few years it has held no interest for me. I maxed out any desire to clean. There is a learning curve to caring for a home and then, after you're done with that curve, it's nothing more than repetition.
A few months ago, I pinged a group of friends & got five recommendations for women who work as maids and love it. I didn't want a disgruntled "this is the best I can do" maid; I wanted someone who did the work because they love the look of a clean floor, clean windows, and a tidy environment. It is a beautiful thing.
I have yet to call any of them. I am having a hard time letting go of... ?
Over the last few years I have been paying attention to what happens when you have someone else clean your house for you. The piles in the corners disappear; the furniture and various objects are better designed for easier vacuuming, sweeping, polishing; everything shifts towards that goal of being "cleanable". I have tried to make that shift slowly, with every new repositioning of the home, "Is this cleanable?" and "What would I have to do if the maid was coming tomorrow?"
If only the maid was coming tomorrow!
But for the last few years it has held no interest for me. I maxed out any desire to clean. There is a learning curve to caring for a home and then, after you're done with that curve, it's nothing more than repetition.
A few months ago, I pinged a group of friends & got five recommendations for women who work as maids and love it. I didn't want a disgruntled "this is the best I can do" maid; I wanted someone who did the work because they love the look of a clean floor, clean windows, and a tidy environment. It is a beautiful thing.
I have yet to call any of them. I am having a hard time letting go of... ?
Over the last few years I have been paying attention to what happens when you have someone else clean your house for you. The piles in the corners disappear; the furniture and various objects are better designed for easier vacuuming, sweeping, polishing; everything shifts towards that goal of being "cleanable". I have tried to make that shift slowly, with every new repositioning of the home, "Is this cleanable?" and "What would I have to do if the maid was coming tomorrow?"
If only the maid was coming tomorrow!
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
That moment when you reconnect
Having worked in the schools, I have always been entranced with that moment that occurs when a parent picks a child up from school -- there is such a range of emotion or lack thereof.
Some kids run to mom or dad with arms wide up and smooches at-the-ready. Some wander over, dragging their feet, silently switching to the custody of the next big person.
I love that moment. It speaks volumes about the general health of the relationship, tinged by the events of that particular day.
What were today's pick-up reactions?
Aee (this reaction was my favorite for today): "MOM! (actually screaming) MY FEET CAN TOUCH MY BUM!!"
She takes off running across the playground, all her belongings flying. Her coat flies off to the right, backpack flies off to the left, miscellaneous papers in all directions. Wow, she really can touch her bum with her feet when she kicks her legs back hard.
Jee's approach: Puts his belongings in his backpack fast. Papers, books, coat, all crammed in the backpack. He turns his sweet little face up to me and I see a bandaid on his cheek. I can also see that his eyes carry a bit too much sadness in them so I don't ask what happened. When we get home, I'll ask and he'll cry and let me know what happened. (A mean kid was throwing sticks and one hit him as he was walking out of a room. Jee understands the luck factor in the near miss and to him it is not just a little scratch. He tells me how much he loves his eyes. I love his eyes too.)
Vee's end of the school day contact: Phone message, "Hey, mom, hope you had a good day. Do you need us for anything after school? My test went well. I think I did good on it... (more details). Love you mom." Holy cow, did he just say that in front of his friends?? Yup, I listen to the message again and hear his friends voices in the background. From what I have seen of Vee's friends, they're all self-confident enough to not be threatened by a friend making such a comment (if by chance they happened to overhear it).
Kee's end of the school day contact: Calling after he & his bro get home (I had the others at karate). "Hey mom, we're home. Should I get some water boiling?" He knows that all good dinners are on the other end of a boiling pot of water.
Sigh. I love that: "MY FEET CAN TOUCH MY BUM!" If you haven't run so fast & furious that your feet touch your bum, I highly recommend it. Vee and I went out for a run tonight and felt like we were five again, running in all sorts of spastic Gumby-like ways. Thankfully, it was fully dark out and no one saw us (I hope).
Some kids run to mom or dad with arms wide up and smooches at-the-ready. Some wander over, dragging their feet, silently switching to the custody of the next big person.
I love that moment. It speaks volumes about the general health of the relationship, tinged by the events of that particular day.
What were today's pick-up reactions?
Aee (this reaction was my favorite for today): "MOM! (actually screaming) MY FEET CAN TOUCH MY BUM!!"
She takes off running across the playground, all her belongings flying. Her coat flies off to the right, backpack flies off to the left, miscellaneous papers in all directions. Wow, she really can touch her bum with her feet when she kicks her legs back hard.
Jee's approach: Puts his belongings in his backpack fast. Papers, books, coat, all crammed in the backpack. He turns his sweet little face up to me and I see a bandaid on his cheek. I can also see that his eyes carry a bit too much sadness in them so I don't ask what happened. When we get home, I'll ask and he'll cry and let me know what happened. (A mean kid was throwing sticks and one hit him as he was walking out of a room. Jee understands the luck factor in the near miss and to him it is not just a little scratch. He tells me how much he loves his eyes. I love his eyes too.)
Vee's end of the school day contact: Phone message, "Hey, mom, hope you had a good day. Do you need us for anything after school? My test went well. I think I did good on it... (more details). Love you mom." Holy cow, did he just say that in front of his friends?? Yup, I listen to the message again and hear his friends voices in the background. From what I have seen of Vee's friends, they're all self-confident enough to not be threatened by a friend making such a comment (if by chance they happened to overhear it).
Kee's end of the school day contact: Calling after he & his bro get home (I had the others at karate). "Hey mom, we're home. Should I get some water boiling?" He knows that all good dinners are on the other end of a boiling pot of water.
Sigh. I love that: "MY FEET CAN TOUCH MY BUM!" If you haven't run so fast & furious that your feet touch your bum, I highly recommend it. Vee and I went out for a run tonight and felt like we were five again, running in all sorts of spastic Gumby-like ways. Thankfully, it was fully dark out and no one saw us (I hope).
Sunday, February 3, 2008
Bizarre sighting
At 1:12 today, a bizarre sight was seen by anyone driving down Virginia --it was pouring rain, nearly hailing, gusting, windy, cold, and what do you see? A family jogging: suits, ties, pantyhose, and dresses? In the pouring rain? Forget about the bad weather or inappropriate dress, when do you ever see a *family* jogging together in the first place? A few rubberneckers gave us funny looks.
As we were "jogging in the rain", the banter was playful and easy. Eee and I had a good hindsight-in-advance laugh that this would all be funny and memorable soon. There was no worry about mud splashes or stains -- who cares about such things when the heavens are open and the plants are catching their own bits in their cupped leaves?
You may wonder why we were out at 1:12 today? It all started back in October (I think?)...
Several months ago, I got to walk to church with a friend. It was possibly one of the most beautiful, uplifting walks I had experienced in quite a while. We covered a brisk five-ish miles from her house to the church building and the next day I was sore, but happy with my memory of the walk.
Having been sufficiently motivated, a few Sundays later I floated the idea that some of us walk home instead of riding. Kee was up for it and we had a wonderful walk home, thus proving the walk doable. The next Sunday I floated the idea of walking *to* church (a much more difficult feat of timing) with both Vee and Kee. A few weeks later, in an act of faith-in-the-little-guy, Jee joined us. We have had various configurations of walking for the last month plus a bit.
Today, by some bizarre stroke of luck, we were all ready to go by 8:30 and decided to walk most of the way to church. Eee must have thought we were all crazy, loco, fou, etc. but he didn't complain and we made it out the door and on the sidewalk. We actually got to church early. I swear there was a time warp somewhere along the way that made it possible.
The walk home was pleasant for only a few blocks. The clouds came fast and furious. Only a minute or two of droplets then whoosh, the rains came a'tumbling down.
You know how you get rain drops on your eyelashes and it can give you a light-through-water prism effect to your vision? I love that look. It makes the world look magical. A few glimpses:
* Aee's shiny little shoes running so fast, flick, flick, flick as she ran full-out. I have never seen her run with such vigor. There is something majestic about a runner who uses the full leg to run, such a beautiful stretch, perhaps because it reminds me of the beauty of a horse's full gallop.
* Vee's hair completely soaked, rain dripping all over his eyes, face, glasses, me noticing that no one else has the same splatter pattern on their faces. Why? Because Vee has been looking up into the rain -- it's so beautiful -- whereas most people look down.
* Eee's suit doesn't look that wet. I look around at all three suits and realize that suits are water repellent. I didn't know that.
* Jee is so quiet. I work a little harder to pay attention to where he is so that at every street crossing, he is holding a tall person's hand. Why is he so quiet? For good reason -- he is an absorber. He is soaking up every little detail that is happening in the world around him. As we run down the hill, he is experiencing and calculating the incline. As we pass the flowers, he's taking stats on which ones catch the liquid and which ones don't. I'll hear these details later if I take the time to ask.
Kee stops, picks a big leaf, shows us the puddle of water in it, then... drinks it. Ha.
* Kee seems unphased by the rain. He's absorbing too, soaking it in deep. Do I have children or plants?
I'm enjoying the run, realizing how lucky am I to be surrounded by people who don't blame me for them getting soaked, fully realizing that it could have been an unpleasant experience. For a few minutes, I feel like I'm 15 yo again and back in WA state, stuck in the rain because I cared more about getting out to see the world than I cared about whether or not it might rain (and there was always "a chance of rain" in WA).
I love rain.
As we were "jogging in the rain", the banter was playful and easy. Eee and I had a good hindsight-in-advance laugh that this would all be funny and memorable soon. There was no worry about mud splashes or stains -- who cares about such things when the heavens are open and the plants are catching their own bits in their cupped leaves?
You may wonder why we were out at 1:12 today? It all started back in October (I think?)...
Several months ago, I got to walk to church with a friend. It was possibly one of the most beautiful, uplifting walks I had experienced in quite a while. We covered a brisk five-ish miles from her house to the church building and the next day I was sore, but happy with my memory of the walk.
Having been sufficiently motivated, a few Sundays later I floated the idea that some of us walk home instead of riding. Kee was up for it and we had a wonderful walk home, thus proving the walk doable. The next Sunday I floated the idea of walking *to* church (a much more difficult feat of timing) with both Vee and Kee. A few weeks later, in an act of faith-in-the-little-guy, Jee joined us. We have had various configurations of walking for the last month plus a bit.
Today, by some bizarre stroke of luck, we were all ready to go by 8:30 and decided to walk most of the way to church. Eee must have thought we were all crazy, loco, fou, etc. but he didn't complain and we made it out the door and on the sidewalk. We actually got to church early. I swear there was a time warp somewhere along the way that made it possible.
The walk home was pleasant for only a few blocks. The clouds came fast and furious. Only a minute or two of droplets then whoosh, the rains came a'tumbling down.
You know how you get rain drops on your eyelashes and it can give you a light-through-water prism effect to your vision? I love that look. It makes the world look magical. A few glimpses:
* Aee's shiny little shoes running so fast, flick, flick, flick as she ran full-out. I have never seen her run with such vigor. There is something majestic about a runner who uses the full leg to run, such a beautiful stretch, perhaps because it reminds me of the beauty of a horse's full gallop.
* Vee's hair completely soaked, rain dripping all over his eyes, face, glasses, me noticing that no one else has the same splatter pattern on their faces. Why? Because Vee has been looking up into the rain -- it's so beautiful -- whereas most people look down.
* Eee's suit doesn't look that wet. I look around at all three suits and realize that suits are water repellent. I didn't know that.
* Jee is so quiet. I work a little harder to pay attention to where he is so that at every street crossing, he is holding a tall person's hand. Why is he so quiet? For good reason -- he is an absorber. He is soaking up every little detail that is happening in the world around him. As we run down the hill, he is experiencing and calculating the incline. As we pass the flowers, he's taking stats on which ones catch the liquid and which ones don't. I'll hear these details later if I take the time to ask.
Kee stops, picks a big leaf, shows us the puddle of water in it, then... drinks it. Ha.
* Kee seems unphased by the rain. He's absorbing too, soaking it in deep. Do I have children or plants?
I'm enjoying the run, realizing how lucky am I to be surrounded by people who don't blame me for them getting soaked, fully realizing that it could have been an unpleasant experience. For a few minutes, I feel like I'm 15 yo again and back in WA state, stuck in the rain because I cared more about getting out to see the world than I cared about whether or not it might rain (and there was always "a chance of rain" in WA).
I love rain.
Pre-emptive parenting
When Vee and Kee were still little and we had oodles and oodles of "extra" time, my other half and I would do "parent date nights" as suggested by the Eyres. We would pick our favorite (expensive) restaurant and enjoy a scrumptious dinner while talking about how the kids were developing and what we could do to preempt any difficulties that we might see budding.
We went down the list (and I kept notes) for each child:
* socially
* academically
* spiritually
* physically
* emotionally
And every time I wrote out the list, I would agonize over which area to cover first. Whatever.
Now, with both of us shouldering two jobs each, we haven't had much time for parent date nights. I miss them.
Out of need, tonight we MADE the time because one of our kids was forming a new something that could very easily become a big something if we didn't sit up & pay attention.
We didn't get a dinner out, but we did have a good, long talk in the office after the kids were asleep. After about two hours (two hours!) of discussion, Eee came up with a brilliant solution. Kudos to da man!
Moral of the story: parent date nights work & they work well. I would rather proactive plan in advance the preemptive parent date nights (alliteration on purpose), oh well. The only fallout will be a headache in the morning from lack of sleep. I can handle a little headache tomorrow if it means avoiding future long-term headaches.
We went down the list (and I kept notes) for each child:
* socially
* academically
* spiritually
* physically
* emotionally
And every time I wrote out the list, I would agonize over which area to cover first. Whatever.
Now, with both of us shouldering two jobs each, we haven't had much time for parent date nights. I miss them.
Out of need, tonight we MADE the time because one of our kids was forming a new something that could very easily become a big something if we didn't sit up & pay attention.
We didn't get a dinner out, but we did have a good, long talk in the office after the kids were asleep. After about two hours (two hours!) of discussion, Eee came up with a brilliant solution. Kudos to da man!
Moral of the story: parent date nights work & they work well. I would rather proactive plan in advance the preemptive parent date nights (alliteration on purpose), oh well. The only fallout will be a headache in the morning from lack of sleep. I can handle a little headache tomorrow if it means avoiding future long-term headaches.
Friday, February 1, 2008
Scarcity
I love scarcity.
You know why? Scarcity encourages people to create solutions.
Case in point: This morning, Aee and Jee wanted to print pictures from their favorite website. I said, "No, ink is expensive and those are full color pictures. No."
They balked a bit, tried to convince me it was worth it.
I stuck to "No" since they didn't have any convincing reasons why they needed to press that Print button.
I asked Aee, "Why do you need it? What will you do with it once its printed?"
She thought for a minute, then ran to the kitchen, grabbed a stack of paper from the paper stacker and ran back to the desk, --writing-- each of the words from the screen that she wanted to capture.
By creating a sense of scarcity, the kids were forced to find solutions. Problem solving, continuity in the face of diversity, creating new methods for getting to your end result -- it's all good!
In many ways, scarcity can be a valuable concept.
You know why? Scarcity encourages people to create solutions.
Case in point: This morning, Aee and Jee wanted to print pictures from their favorite website. I said, "No, ink is expensive and those are full color pictures. No."
They balked a bit, tried to convince me it was worth it.
I stuck to "No" since they didn't have any convincing reasons why they needed to press that Print button.
I asked Aee, "Why do you need it? What will you do with it once its printed?"
She thought for a minute, then ran to the kitchen, grabbed a stack of paper from the paper stacker and ran back to the desk, --writing-- each of the words from the screen that she wanted to capture.
By creating a sense of scarcity, the kids were forced to find solutions. Problem solving, continuity in the face of diversity, creating new methods for getting to your end result -- it's all good!
In many ways, scarcity can be a valuable concept.
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